The New York Times - that glorious bastion of fine reporting - has identified that latest threat to our children, modern society and livelihood - automatic flush toilets!
Unlike their antiquated, manually operated predecessors, the toilets can flush at the slightest movement, and emit a high-pitched whine that, to some ears, sounds like a cat being strangled. Even some adults confess that the machines make them nervous. But to many toddlers, they are the stuff of nightmares.
“One feature of things in the world that make kids anxious is unpredictability, and things that are new or novel,” said Philip Kendall, director of the Child and Adolescent Anxiety Disorders Clinic at Temple University. “A novel experience for kids can be when that machine flushes automatically. They didn’t touch anything. It can be a bit shocking. Most people get over it, but kids are a little less prepared to do that.”
God forbid children are exposed to unpredictable scenarios, because life, you know, is so calcuable and scripted. Among other gems in the article such as Crack Donalds-obsessed twins and marketable products designed to trick the toilet's electric eye, there is a beautiful comments section (NY Times has a comment section? Yeah, I wasn't aware until now...) with thoughtful sentiments such as this one:
Children are so cute. We should do whatever needed to protect them and prepare them for the unpredicable [sic] world. For the automatic flush toilet, as it does have a button that enables you to flush manually(when it did not flush as expected),why don't we instead just put a button to stop the automatic flush and operate completely manually? That way it will be more children-friendly. And it's not a difficult thing to do.
We are raising a nation of yellow-bellied rabbits. As future generations become more responsive to the fear-mongering tactics of authority figures - mainly, advertisers and politicians - all modes of common sense and rationality will be flushed down the toilet, automatically.
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