Dear An Anonymous Shaker;

| October 31, 2009

At first it was assumed your post of Thursday, October 29th, was a very successful attempt at comedic writing, but then we remembered Proggels in general do not possess a sense of humor. So it became apparent that your plea for help in finding politically correct materials for your son to masturbate to was indeed the real thing.

First of all, what the hell were you doing going through your son's school papers? ("I was dismayed and surprised last night to discover, in a pile of my 11 year old son's school papers...") I am dismayed that you feel the need to violate the privacy of your child's paperwork? What the hell, mommie, were your parents members of the Stasi? Do you conduct routine searches of your children's rooms and desks?

So your precious ego-spawn is on the cusp of puberty and you are concerned that "his inspiration" (known in the real world as "stroke books") is politically correct and doesn't exploit, demean or otherwise objectify the women/men in these materials. Might as well get him a Home Depot catalogue if this is your wish 'cause your little pud pounder isn't going to give a damn about such sensitive topics when he's flogging the bishop. And before we go too far, you might familiarize yourself with the various euphemisms for masturbation (trust me, mommie, no kid announces," I successfully masturbated last evening.") He chokes the chicken. He flogs the bishop. He beats off. He plays with the one-eyed yogurt tosser....get it?

As to his social and political tendencies, they don't factor in once he gets some lubricant going on his Mr. Happy (which he will no doubt try every available substance in the house from Pam Spray On Cooking Oil to Oil of Olay skin creme....) and looking at whatever "inspiration" he happens to have. He doesn't care if the model(s) was paid a reasonable sum of money; he doesn't care about her future career prospects; and at the moment he pops his cookies he doesn't give a damn as to whether or not the imagery was exploitative or not...he's too busy getting his nut off!

So if you want your son to grow up like you, get him a copy of Das Kapital for "inspiration." If you'd like him to grow up and be a normal fucked up human, just let him be.