Look Ma, We're on Tumblr!

Our never-ending quest to seize more online real estate has led us to open an outpost on Tumblr. We now have a presense on the hippest interweb platform du jour. Don't worry, we're not leaving blogger, so don't tase us bro. Our tumblog (sp?) will contain bits and pieces of our weirdness plus the wonderful photoshopped images you've come to treasure as only a true fan would.

A Preview of Obama's Great Big Speech to End All Speeches, Part IX

Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.

You lie!



















Uh, umm...my teleprompter is broken. How about...we...freeze spending!

I Guess I Had a Few Good Ones Last Year

My year end review of photoshoppery, about 26 days late...

Annual review.

Almost forgot to do a round up of my personal favorite pieces of photoshop and shameless self promotion this year! (I'm sure you remember last years.) Click on the pics to go back to the original posts.

Scenes from American History

Why I Am No Longer A Decent, Hard Working, Patriotic, God-Fearing, Flag Waving, Tax-Paying Amerikan.

It always warms the cockles of my meager heart when politicians and the like trot out the phrase "decent, hard-working Americans" and all the attendant virtues that accompany such an accolade. I would like to take this opportunity to refute them one by one as they apply to me so we all know where we stand.

1) "decent" Not one politician, elected official, law-enforcement officer,military personnel or person of the cloth has earned the right to judge me "decent." I read about your bribe-taking, your influence peddling, the breaking of your marriage vows, the beating and tasering of suspects, the pedophilia rampant in the church, the detainment of suspects without due process, the "enhanced interrogation techniques"; these are what define you, not me. I don't want compliments issued from corrupt and soiled mouths of the putrid elite. Your praise means nothing to me.

2) "Hard-working" - now there's a laugh. I no longer believe in the American work ethic. It is a lie and con-job to make the proletariat feel as though they have some control and pride in their pathetic obligations to the corporate state. Me? I'm a state employee and I guarantee you are not getting your money's worth from your tax dollars here in California. I make it a point to fuck around on the internet for at least three hours out of every work day. I use company time and vehicles to run personal errands. In other words, I take full advantage of the system for my benefit-I don't give a damn if it fits in with my employer's desires and goals, I work around those. I derive great satisfaction in lowering American productivity, especially at taxpayer expense since your taxes pay my salary.

3) Patriotic. Fuck that. Any allegiance or loyalty I had to this country is over and finished. It was minimal at best in my early youth, but as I've seen the things we are capable of here and abroad, my sense of national and civic pride has shriveled to next to nothing. The American Democratic experiment was a marvelous idea; it's just too bad that greed, avarice, corruption, lust for power and complacency rotted it from within. And the the Supreme Court's most recent ruling concerning the place of the American Corporation in American Society has eroded whatever residue of respect I once had for the institutions of this country. If a corporation now has the same status as a human being, I shall be removing my name from the voter registration rolls, I will not stand for the national anthem nor will I rise to my feet when the flag goes by. That shit is for suckers.

4) "God fearing" - I always like how they throw that one to keep us all humble and honest. I believe in "something" but it certainly isn't Christian American Jesus and His Pass The Silver Plate On Sunday mega-Churches....you want to see God, look at a book of Hubble Telescope Photographs. You want to understand the Universe, read a book about particle physics...if neither of those is able to generate a spiritual experience of some sort, then you are a sheep and deserve to spend your Sundays listening to the corrupt and greedy tell you how to conduct your lives because you lack the imagination to do for yourselves.

5) The "Star & Bars" is an archaic antique now that the Supreme Court has decided that corporations are "people", too. So burn your flags as the stars will be replaced with corporate logos in the coming years. I'll be burning mine soon and taping it for YouTube.

6) I get particularly gleeful when Amerikans defend themselves by saying, "I pay my taxes." As if it is volitional...have you ever examined your paycheck...the taxes are already deducted. It's not like your employer comes to your paycheck and says, "Wow, look at John Q. Idiiot, willing to fork over so much money to support this great nation of ours." It is the law, motherfucker, so don't beat your chest and proclaim the majesty of your extra special citizenship because you pay taxes-we all do, so shut the fuck up.


All I ask from you Amerika is to leave me the fuck alone. I don't want any part of your nation-building, your "export" of freedom and liberty, your military adventurism, your one party politics, your rah-rah we're the greatest nation on earth, your 500 channels of television, your illiterate yard apes of children, your can do spirit....I'm sick of it all. It's hollow, it's empty, it's an illusion and a delusion. You keep telling yourself your lies that enable you to get up in the morning and face the simulacrum of your lives.....just don't involve me.

But The Counter-Revolution Certainly Will

Too bad Billy Mays is dead, 'cos he would have dominated the corpo-political infomercial landscape.

CUNT

Not only are you an eyesore to behold, you have an ugly personality.

Nudgement Day

Mark your calendars. January 20, 2010 was the day politics became self-aware.

It's all the more reason to get on board with the Dead Gus Hall Express. He has no shit to pass, no perceptions to fight. He also does not pose nude.

He's in it regardless if he wins it.

The Morning After?

Just ask another loser about the prospects for retaining the Super Duper Uber MajorityTM...

Well Then, It's Official...

O.C. pastor agrees: Haiti made deal with Satan

Evangelist broadcaster Pat Robertson attracted criticism last week when he said that Haiti was “cursed” because it made “a pact with the devil.” But that hasn’t stopped Buena Park Pastor Wiley Drake, a Southern Baptist, from saying he shares Robertson’s view.

“I don’t know that God brought that earthquake or not,” Drake said. However, the misfortunes of the country - including its extreme poverty, ongoing political turmoil and frequent natural disasters - could be repercussions of the alleged deal with Satan, he said.

It was an alleged deal. Oh, thanks Orange County Register for clarifying that, since the first person to have mentioned this deal was an evangelical leader who claims he can leg press 2,000 lbs.

Obama at the Easel

Thank the Gods, I once again have the power of photoshop.

The Official 2010 MMM-GFA51 Bus List

With love...

we'll get to the bottom of this...

Blog Note

Just a quick note: I just spoke to Frederick and El Serracho this morning and I thought I'd let you all know they are planning to take a few more personal days. The Progressive Bloggers' Code allows three personal days per fiscal year, so they decided they should use them up before April 15.

Steele Tha Funkee Homosapien

Why We Will Unltimately Prevail!!!!!!

click to enlarge

Our flowcharts and graphics are better than the enemy's.

Dirty Harry

That Obama don't talk jive like the rest of 'em. Honest Injun!

Unsolicited Advice

Dear Ms. McEwan;

I understand that yet again there is trouble in the land called Shakesville. These incidents seem to be occurring with an increased frequency. Perhaps it is time for some profound and drastic changes to implement a new outlook and feel to your community. My first suggestion would be to change the name to something more inviting...say...."A Warm Place To Shit."

Thinking of you,

The CultureGhost

Not In Your Wildest Wet Obama Stained Dreams

Ladies and Gentleman, your quote of the week:

After the mid-term election is over and even if the republicans pick up a few seats in the Senate, President Obama is going to do a 180 degree turn from what he’s done over the last year. He will try to push through some real change and you watch…..the right wing will continue to block and they may be successful. And guess what? President Obama will then use the right wing’s “We Hate Americans! Don’t Care If You’re Safe Or Not!” meme against them in 2012!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Bonus: For some more proggel fun, check out the latest Shakesfail. It's been awhile since the last one. They are long overdue for some heretic burning.

Thanks to Reginleif for the tip.

Why We Are Winning In Afghanistan!!!!

(as always, click to enlarge)

We have better flow charts!

Would Rachael Ray Use Her Own Yeast Infection As A Sourdough Starter?

Just askin'.

Make That The Indefinite Root Canal

Help the GOP take back the House - and save an innocent dog's life.

Remember, there's always an election around the corner, so donate today!

Too Soon I Guess

Sweatshirt Sparks School Controversy

This Is Your Future

My daughter turns six weeks old tomorrow. Living with a newborn baby these past weeks has been hell for my wife and I. We are blessed that our daughter is healthy and thriving. But we did not get the textbook baby. You know, the one that is supposed to sleep a combined 16 hours a day and is typically calm unless hungry or has a soiled diaper. We have a high maintenance, constant fuss child. We're thinking she has colic, because she starts screaming around 3pm everyday and will not let up around 8pm (here's a video of her typical meltdown). We meet parents who say their newborns are perfect angels who eat well and then sleep. We want to strangle these parents and throw their bodies into the Back Bay.

That said, it has led me to explore the plethora of baby books on the market. Before I go any further let me say that the experts are all wrong. Trial and error is the best approach to dealing with a baby. Like religion or politics, every baby rearing philosophy claims to have "the truth". One of the more impractical and possible detrimental philosophies out there is the "attachment parenting" philosophy championed by Dr. Sears.

Sears advocates holding or wearing your child in a sling constantly, breastfeeding anytime the child cries and having the child sleep in your bed. This method is impractical for a household in which both parents work. Maybe it would be feasible if several people stayed home all day with the infant and shared the various care duties. Also, this method does not work if you have a fussy baby like mine who will not tolerate being placed in a sling. Drawn to its logical extension, this method seems like it would produce a highly clingy child who won't leave their parents' bed until age 5 and learns to be completely dependent on their parents for soothing and comfort.

So, to get to my point. The below scan comes from Dr. Sears' The Baby Book.

To recap:

1. It's up to the mother to not let baby come between the spousal relationship. Sorry Dads.
2. It's totally normal to have sex in bed with your child lying right next to you.
3. Sex will be more exciting by having your child sleep in bed because you'll be forced to fool around in other rooms of the house.

Umm, not only will this method produce insecure, clingy adolescents but it will lead major sexual hang-ups and some interesting discoveries in the subconscious during psychotherapy in adulthood.

Pez Head Dead

Seriously.

The Unvarnished Truth

NOM NOM MONSTER

The White House Strategy Session is Adjourned

Obama’s Royal Scam and The Iron Fist Of Rahm

Terrorist Watch List

Tis The Season

Sappy Nu Yer!